Lately, there’s been a string of “things you shouldn’t say” posts. I know — it makes everyone feel good to gripe, and these posts get a lot of traffic.
They’re just so negative though. When I read them, I usually think that about 80% of the things on the list are said by someone who doesn’t really know what to say, and really has good intentions. Rarely do I read the lists and think that people just have no tact. I do think a few people are just a mite oversensitive…
I refuse to add to the negativity out there. So instead, I’m going to give you a list of things that you should say to moms.
Moms have a tough job sometimes. And an amazing job in general. It’s awesome to give a mom a nod, especially if she’s having a tough day. Curious what you should say?
1. Smile
Just smile at her. Even if you have no clue what to say, smile. She’ll get the point — you’re happy, you’re on her side, and you want to make her feel good. A smile can communicate so much, and it can make someone feel so relieved and so much more relaxed. Smile as much as you can!
2. “You’re doing a great job.”
Moms don’t hear this very much, and all of them would like to hear it. Sometimes it feels like you’re messing up everything and you feel like everyone thinks you’re a loser as a mom. When you say “You’re doing great,” moms feel so relieved and so grateful that someone noticed. This especially effective if a mom looks frazzled or like she’s having a tough day.
3. “Your kids are wonderful.”
When your kids are being…kids, which sometimes means being a little louder or rambunctious than ideal, it’s so nice to hear that they’re still very nice little people. Or, if they’ve done something great, it’s nice to know others noticed, too. Sometimes kids are ignored because they’re kids, and it’s awesome to recognize them.
4. “You look nice today.”
Some moms are always put together and feeling beautiful. Many aren’t. (I’m not…can you relate?) It’s nice to hear that you look good even if you haven’t spent an hour on your appearance! And don’t qualify this with “…for a mom.” She looks great…period. 🙂
5. “You can do this.”
If she’s agonizing over a big parenting decision or is worried about leaving her child at preschool for the first time, let her know you think she’s strong, and she can handle anything.
6. “Being a mom is wonderful.”
Let her know that what she’s doing (being a mom) is awesome. There’s so much judgment of moms these days, and so many people looking down on women who are “just a mom.” Let her know being a mom matters!
7. “This, too, shall pass. Don’t worry about it.”
This is best said if her kid is having a public meltdown or something similar. Let her know it’s okay, and you understand. Moms often get glares of judgment when their children are less-than-perfect in public. Give her some encouragement instead.
8. “Let me help.”
Lots of moms have been out with a toddler grabbing every candy display, an older child arguing, and a wailing baby, while frantically trying to unload a grocery cart so they just get home. Step in and offer to help her! Unload the grocery cart for her. Distract the toddler or older child with a story. She will be grateful for it.
9. Talk to her kids
Some kids are really outgoing. Mine love to walk up to perfect strangers and introduce themselves and talk about whatever’s currently on their minds. If you have a minute, engage them! Say hello, “that sounds fun” or another encouraging comment.
10. “Enjoy these days, they go so quickly.”
I know — some moms hate to hear this. But I really find that this gives me perspective. When I’m caught up in a frustrating moment and another woman smiles and says this, I stop and remember that this moment won’t last very long at all and that it really doesn’t matter and the grand scheme of things. I like being able to get that little bit of perspective when I’m struggling. So I say, keep saying it. Because it does go by so fast.
What are the best things that have ever been said to you?
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I often compliment mothers of small children when I see them talking a lot to their children, especially when their children are pre-verbal. They seem to appreciate it. Many of them seem to be confident mothers and are just happy to be acknowledged.
One time I complimented a mother of an infant who was talking to her baby. She confided that she had felt inadequate and lost as a mother. She had been a successful businesswoman but felt very unsure as a mother. I was particularly glad that I had complimented her.
Thanks for a very encouraging post! AND all the wonderful suggestions. I’m going over this list to memorize it. I want to bless another mamma…Lord knows we all need it!
I once had my car break down when I had JUST been shopping with my 4 kids (and pregnant). I had to go to the hospital for a follow-up appointment (which I turned out to have showed up a week early for)… leaving the hospital with a loaded-down pram, a baby in the ergo, weighed down with groceries and holding a wriggly 3-year-old’s hand and leading two other kids down a busy street, believe me when I felt I was JUST managing… And on the bus back to town to catch another bus back home, a dear, sweet lady smiled at my kids, talked to them and offered to get off two stops early with me to help me carry things to the next bus. Now THAT is kindness. And so much appreciated.
A coffee shop was the only place that had gluten-free options in the town we were passing through. The kitchen was a little slow, and the kids were tired, hungry and restless. We had to pull out all the stops to keep them entertained, so we were feeling pretty drained after that meal.
An older mother was eating lunch with her grown children – it looked like they had all been hiking or something. She said to me, “your children are lovely, and I hope the next one comes well.” (I’m pregnant.) She said it with the most genuine smile I’d ever seen. It’s exactly what I needed to hear at that moment.
I love that you are striving to replace the judgment and are working to create a supportive mothering environment for generations to come. Thank you!
Number 4 is SO TRUE. A few weeks before I was due with my daughter, one of the ladies at church stopped me in the foyer and said “Your hair looks nice today!” I nearly burst into tears right there. After a month plus of hearing “Are you still here?” and “Haven’t you had that baby yet?” and “You look huge!” a simple compliment on my hair (which I hadn’t done anything different with) was literally the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. I always try to remember what a difference that little statement made to me when I’m interacting with other mamas in all the various stages of motherhood!
One of the most memorable things someone has said to me is when I was pregnant with my 4th he said, “You’re so lucky!” I was so tired of the “whoa you have your hands full” comments, it was refreshing to hear someone excited for me.