You Know You're a Mother When.... - Modern Alternative Mama
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You Know You’re a Mother When….

admin January 21, 2012

Me, Daniel and Bekah, June 2010 on Chik-Fil-A’s “dress like a cow” day

The other day I sat at my computer, preparing to go through my grocery list.  The kids were napping, and our shopping was 2/3 done, so I needed to check and update what I’d gotten, what I still needed, and make some other arrangements.  (For example…Whole Foods had unsalted, hormone-free butter on sale for $1.49/lb., so I bought 10!  That is through next Tuesday, just in case anyone wants to take advantage of that.)  I could not find a single writing utensil, so I hit up the kids’ crayon box.

I found it amusing enough to post to Facebook: “You know you’re a mother when you update your grocery list with a crayon.”

Apparently that hit home, because 80 people “liked” it and several commented with their own ideas.  🙂  I thought I’d expand on that with some other amusing motherhood thoughts.  So….

You Know You’re A Mother When…

…you never, ever take a shower or bath alone.

…you never even go to the bathroom alone, and if you do manage to sneak away but forget to lock the door, someone comes looking for you and opens the door as wide as possible while you are on the toilet.

…every piece of clothing you own is stained, and *most* of that wasn’t your fault.

…you sometimes forget to brush your hair in the morning because you are too busy chasing the kids down to brush theirs.

…you say something so ridiculous you have to try really hard not to laugh, lest they think you are not serious.  “Stop dragging your brother around by his feet!” or “Don’t decorate your chair with spaghetti noodles!”

…your house is never, ever, ever actually clean.  Because if you try to clean, the kids follow you around and tornado the area you just finished.

…you have screamed, “I will throw all of these toys away if you do not clean them up!” have actually done so, then have gotten mad that the kids were bugging you because they didn’t have anything to play with.

…never get to eat a single bite of food without having to share.

…get tired of hearing “moooooooooooooooooom, moooooooooooooooom” all day long, usually said in the whiniest possible voice.

…have ever caused people to stare at you in public because you were charging down the mall screaming “DO NOT GET ON THAT ESCALATOR!” as your 2-year-old runs, laughs and lifts one foot towards that bottom step…. (yup, that really happened to me last week)

…there is a constant fine carpet of crumbs throughout your house, from all those snacks the kids “know” aren’t supposed to leave the kitchen.

…your son has heard you say “no touch drawer” so many times that he points at a picture of you and says “No touch drawer!” (yeah, that really happened too)

…you hide your favorite cookies somewhere up high, but your kids find them anyway and devour them, causing you to have a meltdown because your nap time snack is gone.

…you’re happy at the end of a meal if no one threw any food, spit out any food, or felt the need to talk about poop, boogers, or other bodily functions.

…when table manner instructions include “We do NOT eat like piggies” and “knives are not for sword fighting.”

…when you find poop on the floor in your house, but you don’t have any animals (just a not-yet-potty-trained toddler).

…have ever walked into the kitchen to find THIS:

Daniel, 10 months, found some chocolate

…have ever had someone say, “Oh, your wallet fell out of your purse!” but what they were really seeing was your tiny, fits-in-the-diaper-bag purse you carry around, and the huge purse that your daughter insisted on bringing so she could “be like mommy.”

…have had to translate toddler-speak for another adult.  “Oh, he said that dragons are coming and he has to hide so they don’t eat him.”

…have ever said, “Oh, that’s great that dragons are coming!  You had better hide fast!”

…have stopped caring the game your children are playing is rough and kind of weird, as long as they are all happy.

…have seen several Disney/Pixar movies about 200 times each, and can recite some scenes word-for-word.

…you dance and sing like a total dork, while your kids beg you to stop, and you don’t care.

…cannot stop thinking about your kids during the few moments that you have to yourself (supposing that you get any).

…you get all the hugs and kisses and snuggles you could ever want. (and more)

…your kids totally drive you crazy, but you wouldn’t have it any other way. 🙂

Check Out My Post!

I did a guest post on a similar topic for What to Expect (yes, the pregnancy site).  It’s called “10 Things I Thought I’d Never Say.”

How do you “know you’re a mother?”

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14 Comments

  1. That list is perfect!! I have said or done or felt almost everything on your list! Thank you for the smile!

    Reply

  2. I know I’m a mother because I keep hearing things my own mom said coming out of my mouth. Then I think, “I wonder where that came from?” One of these days I need to thank my mom.

    Reply

  3. My favorite so far was the time I told my son he was NOT getting down from the table until he finished that cookie.

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  4. I usually think leaving links is lame, and so avoid doing it. But I just wrote about this. My FAVORITE from the list was “Before I became a mom… I most definitely NEVER smelled someone’s butt to see if it was poopy”

    Reply

  5. My daughter is only 7 months old, but I can still relate to quite a few of these! lol Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

    Reply

  6. Funny, the things you do for your kids!

    Only some mom’s know what this one means: You know your a mother when you do “the cow” in the car. Blahaha!

    Reply

  7. Is it bad that I am not a mom and can identify with several of these experiences? In my defense, I am a pediatric nurse, lol.

    Reply

  8. of course i sat down with a nice snack to read this duringkids nap times…..and my 3 year old walks out..please can i have a bite?? 🙂

    Reply

  9. This was brilliant!!! I have pretty much said, heard & done all of those things. I have only one boy, but I swear he has the energy of three!!!! I work full time and my in-laws babysit during the day. Me and my husband went to pick him up and I noticed that his hair was stiff & gunky looking. I just thought he needed a bath. Well, Larry (my hubby) went to brush his hair and asked him what was in his hair. Lee (my son) proudly said “Lotion!!” Whil he was in my mother-in-law’s room for his nap, he got a hold of her lotion and pretty much put the whole bottle in his hair. I think I almost went through the whole bottle of shampoo getting it out.
    My son doesn’t call me “mom”, he calls me “Mimi”. Try going through the whole day hearing “Mimi, Mimi,Mimi,…” and it gets LOUDER when I try to ignore him!!!!
    I don’t have him getting in the shower with me, he just has to be in the bathroom with me.
    You did forget one, and I think moms who have boys will understand:

    You know you’re a mother when:
    THEY KNOW YOUR NAME & YOUR CHILD’S NAME BY HEART AT THE LOCAL EMERGENCY ROOM!!!!

    Reply

  10. I have to say I MUST be a MOM! =oD… In truth I have 10, and I can say yes and Amen to all of the above, plus add. “You know your a mom when you’re giving advice that was really originally learned from Veggie Tales.” or “When you’re having your mommy snack that you refuse to share, only to be reminded that YOU are the one who said “We need to share!”. *sigh* & *smile* Yep…its all a mom thing. <3

    Reply

  11. Love this! Especially the nap time snack one.

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  12. When your house gets quiet you KNOW something is wrong. . .

    Reply

  13. When my son was born, I started updating my facebook status daily with a “You know you’re a mom when…” status update. Some of my favorites were:

    You know you’re a mom when…you cheer baby on while they poop.

    You know you’re a mom… when you can listen to screaming all day long and never blink…but the second the pouty lip pops out, you melt like a bowl of ice cream.

    You know you’re a mom when…you’ve mastered eating EVERYTHING one-handed.

    You know you’re a mom when… you’ve been puked on, peed on, and haven’t slept in days…and still manage to look fabulous. 😛

    You know you’re a mom when…you’ve realized that, contrary to the laws of nature, it IS possible for a little person to have more come out of him than has gone in. Lol.

    You know you’re a mom when…your most prominent facial feature is the giant bags under your eyes. Lol.

    Reply

  14. When my three oldest were little (I had 3 in 3.5 years) I had to tell them to keep all body parts and body fluids to themselves. When I told them to keep hands or feet to,themselves, they started spitting!

    Reply

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Hi, I’m Kate.  I love medical freedom, sharing natural remedies, developing real food recipes, and gentle parenting. My goal is to teach you how to live your life free from Big Pharma, Big Food, and Big Government by learning about herbs, cooking, and sustainable practices.

I’m the author of Natural Remedies for Kids and the owner and lead herbalist at EarthleyI hope you’ll join me on the journey to a free and healthy life!

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