It’s pretty common to joke about boyfriends and girlfriends.
I don’t mean for adults. I mean for small children. I’ve seen photos of male and female (non-related) infants lying together with a comment below “Oh, you caught me with a boy!” supposedly that the girl said. I’ve seen comments about 3-year-olds getting phone calls from boys, or preschoolers coming home to announce that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend.
I think it’s utterly ridiculous.
I know it doesn’t “mean anything” and it’s meant to be cute. I know that parents who say these things in no way are serious about their children having boyfriends or girlfriends. I know they are not talking about love or sex or anything even remotely close to that. But still, it’s something we don’t do. Won’t do.
Boyfriends and Girlfriends
The thing is, talking about boyfriends and girlfriends at such a young age assigns a thought process that is simply too mature for the children. They think of other children as, well…other children. Friends, playmates, maybe even “enemies” of sorts (like that kid who always throws sand that no one likes…). They don’t think of the other children as possible romantic companions.
We give them that idea when we talk about boyfriends and girlfriends.
I remember hearing it myself as a kid. I remember as young as 4, thinking about some boys differently than other boys. I had this vague ‘awareness’ that I should choose a boyfriend of some kind and that this friendship was different than other friendships. Of course, I had no clue about love, sex, or marriage (outside of knowing that grown-ups got married, of course), but I knew something was different.
This does them a real disservice. It teaches them that relationships between boys and girls should be different. That they can’t “just be friends.” It introduces unwitting sexual tension that shouldn’t be there. (And, no, I don’t mean sexual tension like exists between adults. I mean that awareness that being friends with a boy is different than being friends with other girls.)
There are even entire books, movies, and TV shows devoted to opposite gender people defending that yes, they are really just friends. Like somehow the idea is so novel that we have to pound it into our heads? And in many such shows when the characters are teens or adults, they do end up having a romantic or sexual relationship at some point anyway. We get this idea that men and women really can’t be friends without sex hanging around somehow…maybe it will happen, it’s happening, or it used to happen. And we expose our children to that idea early.
Kids Should Be Kids
Love and sex are wonderful. I really hope when my children are grown, they will find someone and fall in love and marry, and that they will know the depth and wonder that come along with such a relationship. I hope they find someone who teaches them about themselves, with whom they grow, and that they fully enjoy all that there is within love and marriage.
When they are grown.
Right now they don’t need to be burdened with that. They have the very important task of learning about the world around them, and later, learning about who they are. At their ages, they’re exploring how the world works in a literal sense. Which objects are bigger? Which weigh more? What happens when you throw them — or smash them? They are learning every day.
I want them to focus on this. I want them to enjoy the phase they’re in. I want them to collaborate with their siblings and with their friends — of both genders. I want them, at their young ages, to see everyone as a unique individual, and not assign ‘meaning’ to relationships that just isn’t there.
I remember when I was 5, and the New Kids on the Block were a brand new and wildly popular band. My friend, also 5, asked me which one of the band members I thought was the hottest. I was dumbfounded. Why did I care? I gave an answer (apparently the wrong one: I believe she told me the correct answer was Donny). Worse, her mom chimed in on this conversation we were having. She’d told her girls which band member was the “hottest” and had given them posters for their bedrooms and had taken them to concerts. There were three sisters and they were 7, 5, and 3 at the time. How was this appropriate? Yet it wasn’t, isn’t really all that uncommon.
As they grow into older children and into teenagers, I want them to explore who they are. What do they believe about morality, ethics, religion? Where do they want to go in life?
I remember announcing to my mom at age 7, “I definitely want to have kids when I grow up.” She replied, “Well, just wait. That will be up to you and your husband at the time.” I didn’t know what to say to that. Now I know that I wouldn’t have married someone who didn’t want children. It’s a pretty major area of your life, and one that I believe can be a deal breaker for many, as it would have been for me.
I don’t want my kids to think that way. I want them to know what’s really important to them, and what’s negotiable, before they enter into a relationship. Maybe they don’t care if they live near us or across the world — or maybe it’s important to them to live in a particular place. But they need to know these things and be able to assert them before a relationship gets serious. And none of these things are things I want them thinking about now!
Sex Precludes Thinking
When we focus on boyfriends and girlfriends we’re focusing on sex. Assigning the thought “I got caught with a boy” to a baby or young child is sexual. If they were just talking or playing, why would it matter if they were found together? It implies they were doing something that they wouldn’t have wanted to be caught doing.
When we focus on sex, we aren’t focusing on the parts of the relationship that really matter, which are the emotional and intellectual parts. We need to focus on being friends, helping one another, choosing to love even when it’s not so easy. We shouldn’t perpetuate the idea that we choose a romantic partner based on explosive and uncontrollable feelings! While that isn’t going to matter a whole lot when they’re 2 or 5, it will when they’re 10 or 15. Even then, I remember having kissed the neighbor boy in the garage at age 5…. Kids are listening to the subtle message you’re sending more than you think.
I met my husband just over 8 years ago. I marveled at all we had in common, that the ways we thought and that the experiences we had were so similar. I couldn’t believe all the ways we understood each other. Falling in love was incredible. My mom said we were acting like it was a business merger, and didn’t we feel things? Of course we did! But focusing on what you feel when you are talking about a long-term commitment (or potential long-term commitment) is the wrong way to go.
I want my children to think first about who they are, and the type of person they want to be with. I want them to think about the friendship they share. I want this deep foundation of friendship and, yes, attraction, to lead them to express how they feel physically, within marriage. That is what our view of sex should be — not some casual encounter, some physical fun, but a wordless, physical expression of the relationship that already exists. Love comes first.
Teaching Marriage
This isn’t to say we don’t ever discuss relationships, because we do. They are aware we are married, of course. They love to look at our wedding albums. They are aware that they will someday marry (and at the moment, are determined to marry each other, as many young siblings say!).
We talk about how we met when we were adults. We talk about how they will marry when they are grown-up. We let them lead these conversations. We don’t tease them about it, we don’t introduce the idea of ‘dating’ or relationships. They are just aware that most grown-ups get married and that you have to be a grown-up in order to do it.
For now, that’s all they need to know. They need to see an example of how marriage works — how we disagree and make up, how we choose to love each other by helping out, preparing meals, fixing cars, rubbing sore shoulders, and so on. How we stay together even when things are tough. They need to get an idea of what marriage should look like first. When they are older, that’s when they’ll learn how to get from “here” (a single individual) to “there” (a marriage individual).
And if they don’t end up wanting to marry when they’re older, that’s fine too. It won’t hurt them any to think of men and women all as potential friends, and to have seen our example of a happy marriage.
For now, we don’t talk about boyfriends and girlfriends. We won’t tease them about silly relationships and assign them grown-up feelings they don’t have. (I could go an entirely different rant about how we, as adults, assign our children feelings and motivations that they simply don’t have, but that’s a thought for another day.) We’ll talk, instead, about bugs, worms, trucks, princesses, the planets, rocks, and all of the parts of the world that fascinate them.
Time for us to go and do some experiments and learn more about the world. With all our friends, male and female. 🙂
Thank you – I love this! We don’t tease about boyfriend/girlfriend with our young kids either, and a lot of people think I’m being ridiculous and tight about it, but I agree with you that it is important, and even though most people do it in jest, our kids are listening!
Thank you! I have been aware for some time that I want to explain to my kids that sex should not be a casual thing but I could never work out how to express what I meant, your phrase ‘love comes first’ summarises it beautifully!
AMEN!!!! Loved this article , as I have preached this very same advice for years!!!!! Thank you!
I LOVE this post! I really want to high-five you for writing about this so candidly. I do think we are sexualizing our children — from clothing to music to these ridiculous conversations about boyfriends and girlfriends. Our kids are 8, 6 and 4 and I take very seriously my job to keep them focused on the things they need to be focused on right now. All those things can (and should!) wait!
Oh, and please do follow through on a post about assigning kids feelings they don’t have — I look forward to it!
Totally on the same page with you. We have hit the teen years here. It really bothers me that one of the first questions asked by relatives that we see only occasionally is the boyfriend/girlfriend question. We too have chosen to encourage our children that the intent of “dating” is to find a spouse. We are encouraging them to spend their early teen years developing friendships, interests, and discovering who they are and what they stand for. It is such a foreign concept this days. I find myself coaching my children so they will have answers ready to these types of questions. I find it quite discouraging that so many have forgotten that kids should just be kids. There is a season for everything and we shouldn’t feel the need to rush our children through them.
Right on! Our teens get the same thing from people. We have never liked the girlfriend/boyfriend thing either, when they are little, or when they are teens. Our kids don’t date, and we have encouraged them not to do so until they are ready to discern marriage. Love the post, Kate!
I hear what you are saying but I really struggle with this with my 4 yr. old girl. She does talk about a husband (never uses boyfriend) and knows to say “when I grow up.” But she assigns boys that are her age as her husband (usually its the same boy). When she says that she “loves” him, I try to explain to her that he is her friend and that is ok, but she will decide who to marry when she grows up. I think she gets a lot of influence from the Disney princess movies that are essentially all about getting married (except Brave). I know there is a lot of good to them in terms of waiting for a prince until marriage, but I watched a few minutes of a Barbie cartoon with her and was disgusted by the main premise of the show being about another girl trying to steal Ken her boyfriend away from her. Same thing with the show Winx. As if a big part of being a girl involves having to keep your boyfriend away from other preying women. Also, she has friends whose parents laugh about the boyfriend situation and let their kids watch practically whatever they want. And then those friends come over and talk to my daughter about their “boyfriends.” It’s difficult, and frustrating. I am considering locking up the princess movies until she is older, though I’m not sure how I feel about that. In the meantime, hopefully our many conversations about how marriage is a thing for grownups and boys right now are friends will sink in and keep her mind on the right things.
Hi! I am VERY picky about what television/movies my kids watch. I control it pretty tightly. I think you would have some success minimizing those unwanted thoughts/behaviors. I know what you mean about the influence of friends. It can be tough. I recommend redirecting their play. They’re only four, so you can facilitate activities such as puzzles, crafts, making simple, healthy snacks, teaching them soccer or basketball, etc. When they talk about “boyfriends” and such, read them a fun book and then ask them to act it out. Or put on some (appropriate) music and have a dance party. There are tons of things you can have them do that will involve imagination and NOT sexualization. Good luck!
I’m also in agreement. When my twins went to kindergarten, one of the girls came home and said ” ______________ said he wants to sleep with me”. I was stunned, and told her to stay away from that boy!
What a wonderful post!
It drives me crazy when people talk about boyfriends to my little ones. They are 3 and 21 months! It’s ridiculous.
Growing up I felt unneeded pressure to have a boyfriend when I didn’t want one. I liked my guy friends and my girl friends. I played basketball and wasn’t considered girly but the guys liked to pick me for their teams when playing games and I liked that! I liked having both guy and girl friends. My sister grew up thinking she had to have a boyfriend every step of her life. She had boyfriends when she was 12 and 13 and it was fairly constant. I never wanted a boy to define me!
That was a little rant but this post resonated with me. I like the idea of my girls having girl friends and boy friends and feeling no pressure to have a boyfriend. They kids! Let them be kids!
I did not date anyone until I was 15 (admittedly, pretty young) and that man is now my husband. And I love that I didn’t ruin some really good relationships with other boys my age by falling into the trap of “We get along so well, we should probably date.” I distinctly remember being teased by an older relative about boyfriends when I was about 11 and bursting into tears because he was so persistent in making me feel uncomfortable and wouldn’t believe that I didn’t have one. What 11 year old needs a boyfriend?! I’m totally with you on this Kate and as the birth of my first approaches (A girl due on New Years!) I am already stealing myself to throw away items saying “heartbreaker” “I get what I want” and similar sayings, as well as guarding her from well-meaning individuals who could expose her far too early to sexuality. Let her be a little girl while she can, it’s not like you can go back once your innocence is gone.
Thank you for writing this!!! I feel strongly about this also and am thankful to come across your well-written article to share. Thank you!
I love this! You have put my thoughts into words. My children are still young (almost 4, 2, and 2 months), but my husband and I have discussed MANY times how important it is for our girls to spend their young lives discovering who they are and where their interests lie before they even consider dating. In fact we are seriously considering not allowing them to date exclusively at all until in college. I fell into the trap of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships starting in 6th grade and do not want the same for my girls. I wish more parents would read this article!
I am uneasy with this as well. My 4 year old son does talk about his girlfriends, but I’m pretty sure he just means friends who are girls. Both of my kids seem to have heard at the playground that boys and girls aren’t supposed to play with one another. But this may be because they are interested in different types of games? Don’t know.
Whoa. Girls and boys aren’t supposed to play together? What a bummer. I guess my son (age 4) and daughter (age 8) missed that memo, because they love playing together. And they both have friends of both genders! One of the things we talk about is that there aren’t “boy” things and “girl” things. They can play with whatever interests them! Dolls, trucks, puzzles, balls, Legos, whatever! It makes me sad to think that they think that half of their potential playmates are off limits. 🙁
I would love to hear from people who have come up with ways to respond to relatives about this! My grandmother recently asked my 6-year-old son whether he had a girlfriend. He was totally confused by the question. How should I have responded so that neither party was embarrassed?
I might just smile and say “Oh, he doesn’t have many friends who are girls! Mostly boys right now.” Kind of like you misunderstood…but hopefully sending a subtle message to drop it. If Grandma doesn’t, I might repeat that and send the kid off to play then privately say “We really just want him to be a kid right now, so we don’t talk about girlfriends yet. He’s really too young.”
But…wow. It’s kind of sad people think it’s an appropriate question to ask a 6-year-old. 🙁
“He’s way too young to be thinking about anything like that!”
It’s a very insidious thing in our culture, isn’t it? I don’t have kids yet but I’m already trying to prepare myself to prevent the prince-rescues-princess-and-they-live-happily-ever-after-type Disney movies that I grew up on. They do our children no favors.
I didn’t date until later in college, and even then we had been friends for a while (ie: he was working up the nerve to ask me out!). Now we have been married almost 2 years and never dated anyone else. I remember girls in my high school class bouncing around between this guy and that guy within our class and it just caused so much division among us all (we were a small Christian school, with only 1 class per grade level). And Lord help us if anyone dated outside their class! But even back then, as jealous as I was of them, it still seemed so pointless. Everyone had college plans and no one seemed ready to tie the knot, so why waste all that time and supposed heartache??
Yes! I remember the boyfriend conversations when I was in kinder, and got “caught” kissing a boy behind the tree when I was 5. These are values I am making sure are not in my kid’s minds. My daughter recently used the tern boyfriend. And I told her your friends are just friends, you don’t have to say if they are a boy or girl. My brother in law (who is 31) has a girlfriend and everyone made sure to introduce her to my 5 and 3 year old as such. But I took my stance that she is a friend. I don’t want them thinking of or confusing it. You have to guard their innocence because the world and the devil would love to steal it from them.
Thank you for writing this!
I love this so much. This is what I want for my children as well. My mother used to tease us about boyfriends so when I was of age I was imbarassed to talk to her about guys I liked because I knew she would make fun of me. I remember girls alway crying in middle school about not having a boyfriend and I just never understood. I liked boys but at that age I would rather climb a tree or play tag. I’ve also tried to explain to friends about feelings not being the most important thing in a relationship and they don’t get that. Having common goals and direction matter more to me. My feelings change daily I’m a woman.
Amen Katie!
We have 6 children 28-15 and have never encouraged recreational dating. I’ve always emphasized dating is a road to marriage so unless you think you’re ready for that then don’t. My oldest is married & he’s wife is expecting our first grandchild. He did date so brought that baggage into his marriage. My oldest daughter only dated her husband! He is the only guy she’s ever kissed. People are always blown away by that.
Having 5 daughters has made me aware of the screwed up message the media sends. You need a guy to be happy & you should be obsessed with your looks and show off your body. Thankfully they have all chosen to not date in high school and they dress modestly but stylishly.
I think older people look at dating the way it was in their time. Mainly innocent outings in a more wholesome time. The world we live in is nothing like that and we have to be constantly on guard to protect their hearts and minds like we are with what we feed them.
Blessings to all the parents here who are alert to this issue.
I think this was a thoughtful and well written post about the subject. Even though our little one is still so little (4 months) I have thoughts about various topics related to gender and labeling. We don’t make jokes about this either. I, too, look forward to a post on the topic of assigning feelings.
My favorite is people who say things like “Oh so and so just had a baby, (insert young childs name here)’s future husband has been born!”
Makes me ill when I here mothers marrying off 2 and 3 year olds and introducing such things to them that they have no way of understanding….
While I agree with you 100% – my 17 year old daughter has chosen not to date throughout high school and my 20 year old son didn’t date until he was 18 even though they both notice the opposite sex and have great friendships with them – I really encourage everyone to be kind and informative in how they approach the rejection of such things with people. Folks just don’t get that their silly behavior is just that – silly. Most have never thought of the fact that they are introducing something negative as it has always been such a big part of our culture from Disney princess movies to grandparents innocently teasing. I just told people quietly, ‘We don’t go there’ and if they pushed it, I gently explained our philosophy to them. It can really go a long way to help others’ see a different, thoughtful view.
Years ago I started telling my youngest two of the hazards of ‘dating’ and ruining friendships unnecessarily and the drama surrounding it all. We talked about getting all confused with emotional entanglements that they really couldn’t do anything about for another several years. While I know it’s true, as one comment mentioned, that some relationships that begin at 14 or 15 actually end up in marriage, the much more common result is crushed feelings, rejection and questioning one’s self worth when the crush ends. It is so much healthier for kids to be kids and enjoy learning as you mentioned in your blog – Bravo!
I entered relationships much too early, partially due to an absent father and part to a working mother that simply couldn’t be around to guide me. While my life has turned out well with four incredible kids, the road was very rocky and difficult. Parents have to be present, loving, affectionate and not afraid to say ‘no’ to these things and it doesn’t have to result in lots of conflict, either. They need your guidance, your willingness to read emails and text messages to help them navigate these deep waters. It’s not a matter of trust in them, it’s a matter of parenting and having the wisdom of at least 20 years more than them, give or take for circumstance. It’s also helping them to see that Johnny isn’t a jerk because you’re unhappy with his response to you or Suzy isn’t awful because she didn’t make you happy. Teach them a healthy view of the others and teach them to show them respect and consideration. Please don’t be afraid to go against the tide of our culture and teach actual morality and proper conduct to your kids. You’ll be so grateful that you did!
Thank you for this. I’m sure I’ve done this thinking it was cute or innocent, but now I see that it’s sending subtle messages. I have a 20 & 3 month old boy and girl so I am learning things everyday. I don’t want my children to struggle with relationships like I did. My husband and his family are better examples of what to do in relationships than mine, which is littered with divorce and failed relationships.
Children are constantly bombarded with adult feelings, sayings, and experiences. The music they listen to is shocking to say the least. Young boys and girls are singing and dancing about sex, cheating, and relationships they should know nothing about. Children are dressed so inappropriately these days too. Don’t get me wrong, I like clothes that look like adults in the way that they don’t have cartoon characters on them, but I’m not going to put my 1 year old in a bikini or a mini skirt when she is 5. Kindergarteners are asked by most people if they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. If the child answers “no” they are prodded to say who they “like.” It shouldn’t be that way. Our kids shouldn’t be taught that they need a boyfriend or girlfriend or something is wrong with them. No wonder our teenagers go through relationships like hot cakes and are having babies when they are still babies. Why are people so shocked when they find out their children are having sex at 14&15.
Now, I just want to lock my kids up and never let them out. 😉 We are already super careful about what they watch, what music is played around them, and what is out into their bodies by way of food, drink, and toxins and they are both under two. Does anyone else feel like parenting is so much harder these days?
Wanna have your child turn into a stripper? My dad used to joke and make a big circus everytime his friends came over because I had “a boyfriend” it was just some kid I’d play with a recess and tell stories about. They’d all say “Shame-shame! You’ve got a boyfriend!” All this backward jocking made me ashamed to have a relationship when I was of age, and I’m 40 a stripper and still not married or have children. I have a good relationship, but my father damaged me with all that weirdness.
I totally agree, we don’t do the “boyfriend”, “girlfriend” thing either, with us, we will say to our children “one day when you get married…” but as far as when they are old enough to date, we teach that you date to marry, there’s no reason to date just to date someone unless you are planning on marrying that person.
Hi Sarah,
I agree, talking about future marriage is important!
We always say “IF you get married.” My daughter says she doesn’t want to ever get married. Which is fine too. 😉
I dont know if this was mentioned earlier. I agree with all. I have a 14 yr old girl whos struggles with her friends being boycrazy. ( almost all are homeschooled) She is not boy crazy but sad about their preoccupation, so far from marrying years. Fyi if you have tv ditch it…or at least the disney channel/nickleodeon for sure there is “programming” for sure. Oh wait ditch it all I forgot the commercials part.
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I totally agree!! It also assumes the child is heterosexual, which is not fair to do. Why assign a heterosexual relationship to a child when we don’t yet know what their orientation might be? Respect who they are now without forcing our children into such a narrow minded box!
Agreed. Its so not needed. They don’t need it. I saw how it affected my son when he went to a private school. A sweet little girl really liked him and there was talk about him being her boyfriend. It was sweet but not necessary. You could see him get uncomfortable. Thankfully it stopped quickly and they were very good friends after that. Let them grow!
Blessing!
Does your relationship with your spouse teach your children nothing? This is the most ridiculous thing I have read today. Children learn by example, I know my children have learned that sometime girls and boys are more than just friends because they have witnessed my relationship with their father their entire lives. They see our out pouring of love and affecrion towards each other and that has put romantic ideas in their head, not some silly little words.
This is a very rude comment.
It’s totally different to see adult relationships in action than to joke about small children having them. Adults drive cars with children in them all the time but we don’t let children try it out, do we?