By Daja, Contributing Writer
It’s the third trimester and the countdown to the baby’s arrival begins. People now freely ask, “When are you due?” Of course, we all know that due dates are less accurate than that ape that predicted the Superbowl.
But, there are some surefire ways to know that your labor is imminent. At least these methods have worked for me. Not super scientific, but really, who are you going to believe? Naegele or a mother of nine?
For kicks, let’s count this down Tonight-Show-style. Here are eight ways I know I am close to (finally) having that baby!
8 Ways To Know You’re Close To Your Due Date
Number eight: When it takes an act of Congress to get me out of the house. (It’s just takes too much effort.)
Number seven: When suddenly I can breathe easier. Unfortunately, I do all that breathing in the bathroom.
Number six: Compared with the second trimester boost of energy, when I am close to my due date I’m exhausted. Yet, I spend more time on the toilet than in the bed at night.
Number five: If my husband laughs one more time when I break wind, I’m gonna punch him in the face. I can’t help it! (The breaking wind part, I mean.)
Number four: Speaking of punching people, I have suddenly discovered that I have latent hostility. Who knew?! Note to self: Google “anger management.”
Number three: When I seriously consider converting a 1000 thread-count bed sheet into a maternity muumuu. Nothing else fits anyway.
Number two: When I cannot see my feet, which is just as well because I’m wearing
Crocs the world’s ugliest shoes.
And the number one way I know I am close to going into labor is….
Number one: When old wives’ tales about how to start labor suddenly don’t sound so ridiculous. Eat an entire pineapple while balancing on a ball in the middle of a pool during a full-moon….SURE! Why not?!
Jokes aside, your baby will come when he or she is truly ready. Contrary to how you may feel ’round about week 41 1/2, no one has ever been pregnant forever. It’s cliché, but it’s true. Hang in there, Mama. Call a friend who has been there and done that. I bet if you email her this post she’ll bring you chocolate and a video and some aromatherapy oils. You won’t even have to beg.
Want more due date hilarity? Here are 10 more ways you’ll know you’re about to go into labor:
[Disclaimer: No violence was actually perpetrated against any husbands in the writing of this post. He’s fantastically supportive and loving. Even if tooting does make him laugh like a 5th grader.]