While miscarriage is a common experience, it’s still something we go through alone. It’s something we tend to hide. It doesn’t have to be that way.
By Matthew, Contributing Writer
Miscarriage isn’t easy for me to write about, but it has surrounded me lately. I’ve seen my wife and many other women around us go through the experience of joy turning into pain after a doctor’s checkup. While miscarriage is a common experience, it’s still something we go through alone. It’s something we tend to hide. It doesn’t make pleasant conversation, but it’s a conversation we need to start if we are to heal.
After that dreadful doctor visit, it seems like everyone else zooms by with their lives. But there you are, struggling through the hurricane of emotions. What’s the process of untangling our destroyed dreams from the knowledge that we need to move on? How can we grieve yet avoid 20 questions tomorrow in the office?
First, your grief is not wrong. It is real and reasonable. Death stings us in painful ways and it’s especially difficult to deal with the loss of a little one. It’s all right to be upset and it’s definitely ok to keep to yourself for a week.
You may benefit from looking at the Psalms where the writer experiences a huge range of emotions and circumstances and manages to praise God. I’ve always seen the Psalms as the anti-Sunday School book of the Bible. In Sunday School we learn the “right” answers, but in the Psalms, we see the writer yell at God and ask seemingly irreverent questions of God. The Psalms are a great guide to show us what trusting in God looks like in real life, when things don’t go well and when we have real questions about real heartache.
Depending on whose statistics you believe, as many as 70 percent of conceptions end in miscarriage. In the past year, three couples in my circle of friends have gone through a miscarriage and those are only the couples who asked us for prayer. There are doubtless other men and woman dealing with miscarriage, but they aren’t telling others.
I’m not saying you need to shout the news from the rooftops or text everyone in your address book. I’m saying that this is too big of a weight to shoulder alone and there’s a good chance that at least someone in your circle of friends knows exactly what you’re going through. Instead of hiding in shame, why not grab some coffee with that person and share your common experience? It may be a difficult conversation, but it’s one worth having.
Do you have advice for women and couples going through a miscarriage?